a local? a tourist? a coward.: I

I’m a tourist in my own city. I’ve lived here most of my life yet I still haven’t remembered the ways to go to places and need a map to guide me everywhere. I have driven around in the center of the city and its outskirt but I managed to know only a little about what this city has to offer; where can I visit, what can I enjoy, et cetera. I mostly go to the famous places other people like to go.

One thing about this city is there are so many roundabouts with rooted roads. I don’t know which one leads to where. Though I have a map on my hand, it doesn’t show me details so I have to guess each time I decide to choose one of the roads to walk through. The only one I know is the road I come from. It has been a good road but I have mixed feelings towards it. I find it…unassuring in a way — like a feeling of scared getting mugged in the middle of the day even when the world announces your road as the #1 safest road on the planet.

Most of the time when I feel like wandering through the city, I would pick the road on the opposite side of roundabout, just because it provides me with familiarity and certainty that the others couldn’t. I have visited that area, thrice now. One time I decided I need to go explore the city. At first I only wanted to go to the roundabout but an urge made me pivoted my way there.

On 2 am tonight, I decided to get out. It has been a habit for me, recently, to walk around at 1 or 2 and get back just before dawn, to get a couple hours of sleep before I start my morning walk at 7 am.

Tonight…I felt an urge inside me to do a study on a new, unvisited road. As I walk towards the nearest roundabout, anxiety filled all over me. I found my neighbours walking around, knowing where to go. Most of them, I’m quite sure, have had this city memorized and could easily decide where to walk to in the morning. Or afternoon or at night. Anytime they want, really. They felt unclouded to choose where they wanted to spend their time in. And it had always amazed me how sure they can be because I have never felt that way.

So I walked and walked. I looked ahead. I looked back. I looked around. Should I go? I felt a shiver. I should go back. Curiosity came all over me. I should go. So I went.

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